Return to a familiar yet unfamiliar place...

Here I am spending my last night alone in Pasadena. When I look back on the past year, I am reminded of God's faithfulness and mercy. In areas that I thought I would be empty, he overfilled; in times when I thought it was too tough, he helped me to overcome. I think my time in Pasadena was spent mostly being on my own and I learned how to be independent from others, yet grow dependence towards the Lord. I've been to movie theaters, beaches, restaurants, and even happy hour on my own...and strangely I learned that it's okay to do those things on my own, not because I prefer being a loner, but because I know I'm never alone as long as God is always with me. Maybe this is what God wanted to teach me when he brought me down here.  That I will never have to be alone nor afraid because God is always with me.  This sounds very elementary but I realize that it's easier said than done.  I used to complain and moan about my loneliness but I learned that this was not true loneliness but the residue of having all the people/things that I trusted in (other than God) being removed or shuffled around in my life...so it was more of the longing to have what I used to have rather than craving for company.

At first I was puzzled by why God would allow things or people I found comfort in to be removed from my life; it was as if every time I grew to like something or become comfortable He was taking that away.  Now, I don't mean to make God sound like a cruel parent who steals his child's toys after the kid starts to grow attachment, but perhaps it is not in his cruelty but rather his desire to liberate us from being tied down that he takes away the old toys so that he can give us a better toy.  I mean could we imagine a 50 year old woman sucking on her pacifier that she had since she was a baby? Now this is a bit of a stretch, but perhaps no different to what we look like when we try so hard to hold on to things of the past and what brings us comfort. As the child learns to detach herself from the pacifier she may grow to love playing with Lego blocks, then Barbie dolls, learning to ride a bike or playing an instrument--growing to enjoy new hobbies that stretches her mind and ability to exercise her God-given gifts.  I know this is an exaggerated example, but I have come to think of God's interventions in my life in a similar way. At times, he needs to help me to part ways with certain things in order to create more room within me to enjoy the new things--because without his help, I tend to resist change and want to clasp tight only to the things I am holding in my hand.  As I stand at a  new crossroad (yet again), I see that God is yet again helping me to let go of something that I have grown quite comfortable and fond of, which is LA, in order to help me embrace something new and challenging, Seattle.

As I transition back to Seattle, it is a strange feeling of returning to a familiar yet unfamiliar place.  It's not that Seattle is different, but I realize I am the one who has changed.  When I think about the mission that He has placed before me, I am humbled and I trembling with awe thinking, "who am I Lord that I shall do this for you?" Perhaps similar to how many of my Biblical role models responded to God's calling.  I am not elevating my status to those portrayed in the Bible, but I recognize that the same God who called Moses from the burning bush, Ruth to work in the field of Boaz, and David to become the king of Israel, is the SAME GOD who calls ordinary people, like myself, to serve him in Seattle. I am no longer going back home to a familiar and comfortable place, but I realize that I am being commissioned back to Seattle as a  missionary...which makes the steps that I am a taking heavier and more prayerful.  

Although I honestly and perhaps thankfully don't know what I'm really getting myself into (or he's getting me into to), I wait with anticipation for what God has in store for me in this new season. I am a bit nervous and feel a bit unprepared, if I'm completely honest, but at least now I know that I am not doing this on my own and God will be with me and go ahead of me all the way.  Slowly but surely I am learning how to trust in God even when the end is not visible.  As Psalms 89:23-24 says:

"our steps are made firm by the LORD 
when he delights in our way; 
though we stumble, 
we shall not fall headlong, 
for the LORD holds us by the hand."

Having faith in this promise, I will take each new step with courage and thanksgiving...